better

I recently received an email from my cousin who was responding to a message I sent out to friends and family providing a treatment update.

She very simply said, “I hope you are better now.” I have been thinking about this since I received the e-mail, and I’m not sure I can even respond in a way that makes any sense.

I can no longer say, “oh yes, I am better.” Or, “no, I’m not better.” Or even, “I wish I was better.” It’s much more complicated than that. Being “better” depends on where I look back at various times over the past year. “Better” also has different components to it, the 3 main ones being, “better physically,” “better mentally,” and “better emotionally.” If I am “better” or “not better,” what part of “better” am I talking about? I will say that I am “better” in all 3 components than I was on November 28, my last day of chemo. But, am I “better” than I was in June before chemo started? Am I “better” than I was in May when I had surgery? Am I “better” than I was in March when I was diagnosed? It’s hard to say. Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing event for sure, and some of those changes include an intense period of growth that is still in process. All areas of my life are affected, from the emotional to the mental to the physical to the spiritual and to other parts that I can’t even recognize yet. These are things that probably wouldn’t have happened had I not been diagnosed with cancer. So, am I “better” now? Perhaps I can only apply “better” to how I am today as compared to yesterday. If that’s the case, then all I can say is, “I’m about the same.”