Today's craziness

I managed to transplant a couple sunflowers and harvest some raspberries and peas this afternoon.



In addition, the plumbers are here to fix my broken sewer line.





This will be a very loud afternoon for sure. I hope they get it fixed today!

A major decision

After staying home 4 our of 5 days this past week with vomiting, diarrhea and low level nausea, I have made the decision to go on medical disability leave for 8 weeks until I'm done with the AC.

I've completed 5 treatments now, with 7 more to go and the side-effects are only going to get worse. My boss is very accommodating and understanding and she was in complete agreement. Plus, she doesn't have to pay me. LOL. Seriously though, I just started this job in March and I've used almost every hour of leave I have. In order to keep my medical and other benefits, I have to either work 8 hours or use 8 hours of leave time in a month. This will only affect August and I will have enough leave that I earned in July.

As far as money, I am incredibly grateful that I got the Aflac cancer policy last year. Not only has it helped by paying me for various treatments I've received, I also signed up for short-term disability. The only unfortunate thing is that I did not change my income level with Aflac when I changed jobs, so the amount I get is a little low. But, between that and the payments I receive for going through chemo and other things, I will get enough to cover what my paychecks would be.

In other news, my friend came over last night and shaved me head completely bald! No pictures yet though.

Oh, and in other OTHER news, there is a break in the sewer line leading from my house to the street so I am without a bathroom until they get the damn thing fixed! Argh!!

Baby Ben!

Benjamin was born via c-section 7/15/08 at 11:03 pm. He weighs in at 10 pounds, 8 ounces! Mom and baby are both healthy and happy and very tired.

well that sucked

Spending the morning puking up breakfast is no fun. My body was not happy with the juice I made and yesterday I suffered for it. I was feeling pretty miserable even after I was done throwing up, but I had a doctor's appointment in Olympia and was determined to keep it. I actually felt worse in terms of nausea at the end of the day and never felt like my stomach completely emptied out. This morning, I'm better and just trying to take it easy. I wasn't sure earlier when my alarm went off at 5:00 that I was going to make it to work. But, I've called my boss and said I'd be in by noon.

I put on a scarf to go to my appointment. It just feels so funny.. I can't tell if it's going to fall off or what. I took it off at the end of my appointment to show my doctor how I looked with a shaved head. She recommended leaving it off and I agreed. At least for the rest of the day. I don't know that I will go to work without something on my head. The buff I wore on Saturday worked pretty well.. maybe one of those. Plus, the thought of being on the bus and putting my bare head against the seat is super disgusting. And I know it will happen because I always sleep on the bus.

Today I'm driving for 2 reasons.. the bus stops running at 9:30 and my sister is due to go into labor any second now. She spent the night in the hospital and they've started inducing her. I need to be able to leave when she's closer to giving birth.

Yesterday morning before I drank the juice and all the puking started, I heard Mea rearranging the runner in the hallway. She was very, very proud of her handiwork:

A long day

Yesterday was great. A lot of fun and a fabulous way to spend a hot day. First, Libbey, Jess and I headed to the Olympia Farmer's Market because my parents (my dad and step-mom; Libbey's dad and mom) were playing at the market. Also, I wanted to do buy some yummy organic veggies and fruits. We got there around 1:00. I went off to do my shopping and what was so cool was that at almost every place I stopped, the person selling told me how much they loved my t-shirt. Now, this is the day after I got my head shaved, and my first "bald adventure." I wasn't nervous, but I was brimming with attitude! Anyway, it was very cool to have all these people tell me they liked my t-shirt. One person asked where I was getting treated, which was fine. I was in a good mood when I went back to the tables and sat down in the shade. I was sitting there and people just kept coming up to me, telling me how much they liked my shirt and to keep up the good attitude. One woman even gave me a hug! Another woman wrote down the website so she can buy a shirt for her friend. I'm not used to being the person standing out in the crowd, and I don't usually like it. But yesterday, it was ok and I had a good time.



After my parents were done, we headed to their place in Shelton so we could go out on the boat. What a great day it was for being on the water! Of course, I had to stay in the shade and didn't do more than wade on the beach, but it was really lovely.









We didn't get home until 9:00 or so and I was just exhausted. I've been in bed all day pretty much and am just getting up to take some pills and catch up online. It was worth it though!

Feeling good today!

It is done

My stylist called to re-schedule my appointment for tomorrow. Since I can pull out handfuls of hair now, I just canceled. My sister has a trimmer and she came over tonight to do the deed...

The Beginning...


In-Process...


Circa 1983...


Fini!


The Pile...

Getting on the cancer train

Sometimes when I am at SCCA I can feel people looking at me as though I'm being assessed. Wondering, perhaps, why I am there? After all, I am neither "young" or "old;" I appear healthy and I have my hair (well for today anyway). Maybe they are thinking I am with someone... always waiting for them. But then I get called back. Yes! I really am the patient.

I walk out of the lab with a big bandage on my chest, declaring, "yes! I have a port and I'm getting an infusion!" I realize that having cancer puts me in the cancer club, but sometimes I feel like I'm looking through the window of the train car and not being invited in. Maybe when I show up next week with a scarf on my head, I'll be on that train too.

This whole "cancer thing" seems so surreal sometimes. It's not really my style, to be the center of so much attention. That's something I usually avoid. When I got married, we went to the courthouse. No walking down an aisle with everybody staring at me. No thanks. When I got divorced, we did it through the mail. No court appearances, no talking to a judge. None of that. It took me 8 months to have a reception. Well part of that was the weather, but it's just not my thing. I like being in the background, greasing the wheels, running the operation for others. Making things happen behind the scenes and never having my name come up. But now, now it's the opposite. I'm poked and prodded and the object of extremely focused attention by nurses and doctors and techs. I still somehow feel that if I just stopped everything that no one would notice.. I could slip back into the oblivion of my life. It's tempting to try it.. just to see.

Maybe I don't want to get on the train after all. I'll just sit here with my headphones on and my face in a book, trying to blend into the surroundings.

It's time to shave my head!

I have an appointment scheduled on Saturday to get my head shaved. It's none too soon, since today I have started to "shed." No clumps yet, just hair coming out very easily whenever I touch it.

I'm kind of looking forward to getting it done and over with. If ever there was a time to get your head shaved, the middle of summer would be it.

The down side is that it's screaming to the world, "Hey! I have cancer and I'm going through chemo!" I realize there are other reasons that women are bald, but I'm pretty sure the first thing that pops into people's head is "CANCER." So, taking the bus to work should be interesting to say the least. Now I'm going to be the one that people covertly stare at.

It's all right though. It really is. I've got other things on my mind and I have stopped worrying about what people think about me. After all, what you think of me is none of my business!

And so it begins..

Well, the side-effects are here, I think. This weekend I had really bad heartburn. It's still not completely under control. I'm taking Zantac twice a day, but I can't say that it's actually helping. I've been using some Mylanta as well. It works sometimes, but not always.

I have this feeling in my throat like it is blocked a little bit, or that there is something stuck. I have to be sure I chew my food really good, take small, small bites and chase everything with water. When I take my pills, I can only take 1 or 2 big ones at a time. I'm used to downing them in 2 handfuls. Last night and this morning, it took about 10 minutes to take them.

This morning, about 20 minutes before I was due to leave for work I had diarrhea. It came on so suddenly and unexpectedly that I decided not to chance going to work on the bus and I called in sick. Since then I've had two more "attacks," if you will. Can I just say this? My butt hurts.

My mouth is getting really sensitive. I switched from my electric toothbrush to a really soft one, but my gums still bled this morning.

Last night for dinner I had cottage cheese and tapioca pudding. Yeah. Today doesn't seem to be shaping up much better. I see applesauce and broth in my future. I may make up some gatorade-equivalent in a bit if the diarrhea keeps up.

In other news, even though a plumber came out yesterday, the problem still isn't fixed! This morning I flushed the toilet, ran water in the sink and then took a shower. About 3/4 of the way through my shower, the tub started backing up and I had about 2" of standing water. I could hear air bubbles coming up through the toilet. It took about 10 minutes for the water to drain. Hmmm... I see a potential disaster coming on.

I have calls into my oncology nurse, the property manager and the plumbing company that was here yesterday. I really hope they all call back!

Release

I posted this on my other blog a couple weeks ago, but I wanted to add it to the "cancer journey" blog as well. I've come to realize that forgiveness is a beautiful thing and once that weight is lifted, healing is so much easier.

Most of that weight was my ex-husband and the fact that I still had unresolved emotions surrounding that entire relationship. However, when I came home on Thursday after having the port placed and my first chemo infusion, I was thinking to myself that I should email him and tell him what has been going on with me. But, because I had been under conscious sedation earlier in the day, I decided I should wait until Friday to make sure that it was something that I really wanted to do and not just an impulsive thing.

I have reached the point where I have forgiven David, and all the people in my past, really. There is just no way to go through this process successfully if I am still hanging onto anger or resentment for the past. It's taken a long time to come to this realization, but there it is, and I am glad for it.

So, back to David. It was kind of funny because on Friday I had decided that I was going to email him at some point during the day when guess what happened? I got a message from him. He had seen my Myspace page where there is not a lot of information on it, but enough to know that I have cancer. Now that I've had a couple email conversations with him, I just feel really good. For the first time in months, or even a year, I want to do something that doesn't involve watching tv all day, or escaping from life in some other fashion. I want to work in my garden and do some cooking , or whatever.

I definitely feel like all of the things I've gone through in life have been preparing me for this next challenge. I mean, that's obvious, right? As humans, we go through some shit, we learn, we move on and hopefully we apply what we have learned to the next thing. But, the last few years for me have been very strange and difficult and I really didn't know why. I was hoping that it would lead to some magical release and my life would be smooth sailing from then on out. Wishful thinking, I know.

All along, the Universe has been putting me in situations where I could forgive, but I was never able to. Call it pride, or not learning lessons from a past life.. whatever it was, I wasn't going there. So, it's taken cancer to put me in a position to see all that was in my past and to realize that it just doesn't fucking matter. I've learned from those experiences and I'm moving forward. And, I'm taking all that I've learned and applying it to my current situation. If what I've gone through in the past is what I've needed to fight in the present, then how can I be resentful of any of it?

Garden update

I have been so behind in my garden pictures. Here's how the garden looks today:

The rope is thinner than it appears

To all outward appearances, I am doing very well. Even I think I'm doing very well.. coping with everything. But, I've come to realize that if my world starts to fall apart at all, my composure crumbles a bit.

Take this weekend's plumbing incident. I had an overflowing toilet and a backed up shower and I haven't been able to get a hold of the property management people. Now, I was told that if there was an emergency after hours to just call someone and I'll get reimbursed. I hope that's the case because the plumbers are here now.

I was very frustrated yesterday because I didn't know what to do and I couldn't get a hold of anyone who could help me. When I called a plumber, I was told that they would not be able to come out until they reached the property manager. Since all my calls were going straight to voice-mail, I knew they wouldn't be getting through either. This prompted me to leave a not-so-nice message on the property manager's voice-mail telling him that this was bullshit and I was practically in tears.

Not knowing what else to do, I went over to my friend's house for a BBQ and tried to forget about it for awhile. My sister called and told me that she had the same problem in a house she was renting and they were able to get Roto-Rooter to come out. So, I called Roto-Rooter. They weren't happy about the fact that I didn't own my house, but agreed to come out.

Then I found out that the husband of one of the women at the party is a plumber. She had him call me last night and he is here now snaking the lines.

Hopefully, alls well that ends well; but all the little things that happen in the course of everyday life might be enough to make me snap.

Chemo #3

Well this was an interesting day. I got to SCCA at 12:10, about 30 minutes early for my lab appointment. I went to the finance office to get a detailed accounting of the SCCA charges because I've been getting some interesting statements and trying to figure out how they can charge $6000 for the day of my surgery. The only thing I had done there was the guidewires. Does that really cost $6000+? Apparently so. I then went to the lab and checked in, figuring I was in for along wait.

While in the waiting room, I pulled out my beat-up copy of Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth." I'm almost done with the book, after laying it down for a couple months. As I was sitting there, I kept thinking over and over, "I don't want to be mad today." After what happened last week, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope. As I started reading in the middle of the chapter, "Your Inner Purpose," I felt a shift in my consciousness. Tolle writes, "The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for. Everybody's life really consists of small things. Greatness is a mental abstraction and a favorite fantasy of the ego. The paradox is that the foundation for greatness is honoring the small things of the present moment instead of pursuing the idea of greatness. The present moment is always small in the sense that it is always simple, but concealed within it lies the greatest power. Like the atom, it is one of the smallest things yet contains enormous power. Only when you align yourself with the present moment do you have access to that power. Or it may be more true to say that it then has access to you and through you to this world...Anxiety, stress, and negativity cut you off from that power. The illusion that you are separate from the power that runs the universe return. You feel yourself to be alone again, struggling against something or trying to achieve this or that. But why did anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. You forgot your main purpose. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering."

"...your secondary or outer purpose lies within the dimension of time, while your main purpose in inseparable from the Now and therefore requires the negation of time. How are they reconciled? By realizing that your entire life journey ultimately consists of the step you are taking at this moment. There is always only this one step, and so you give it your fullest attention. This doesn't mean you don't know where you are going; it just means this step is primary, the destination is secondary. And what you encounter at your destination once you get there depends on the quality of this one step...What the future hold for you depends on your state of consciousness now."

Reading these passages, I realized that it is really up to me to determine how well or how bad today's visit was going to be. I understood that if I stayed completely within the present and didn't dwell on the past or thought about what might happen in the future, then I would be able to explain myself clearly and without malice towards all of the people I would be speaking to today. I say "without malice" because when I walked through the doors of SCCA today, I was still a little hot about last week's "iron sucrose incident." Now I know that I don't have to be, that I don't need to blame anyone today for what happened today. I can just be myself and let the people do their jobs and take care of me. As a result, I had a very nice chat with the LPN who took my blood and got my port ready for my infusion. I had a very interesting and informative discussion with the nutritionist and was able to talk about the things that were important to me and didn't feel as though she didn't care that I prefer to approach my treatment in a holistic way, bringing in a naturopath and a few other "alternative" practitioners to compliment the treatment I'm already getting.

Today for my oncology visit, I had the coordinator with me who is doing the study on how women with breast cancer organize their schedule, and really their life, in order to deal with all the appointments and information overload that comes in on a daily basis. She does one clinic visit as an observer and "fly on the wall." It was nice to have someone with me today to talk to, since I'm usually alone for these appointments. We got into the room and the MA took my vitals and I got changed and was sitting there with Andrea and realizing that my doctor was running late. I poked my head out and asked the girls what was going on and was informed that she was indeed behind. I mentioned that my chemo appointment was at 3:00, 15 minutes from now. The MA said she would call infusion to let them know I would be late, and I stepped in and told her that it would be a problem for me to be late because of my carpool situation. A few minutes later, Kay, my oncology nurse came in and suggested that Dr. Rodler could see me upstairs in the infusion room. I thought that was a great idea and I got dressed and headed upstairs. There was no pressure, no anger, no glares between sides, it just happened nicely. Now, I will say that I got a little annoyed when the MA wanted to take my blood pressure on my right arm. I don't understand why it's not noted very plainly in my chart or on the front of my chart that my right arm is off-limits. Andrea and I talked about it and I made a plan to discuss it with Dr. Rodler. I forgot, but I will write it down for my next appointment.

Dr. Rodler followed me upstairs and we talked about how things were going. I had a list of 10 or so things to talk to her about, including letting her know that what happened last week was unacceptable to me and that all I need is a phone call if new orders are going to be written so that I can stay in the loop. She understood and made a note and said she would be sure to let me know.

My infusion nurse this week was really great. She is a lot like me in that she is into holistic healing and alternative medicine and yoga and naturopaths. She was great to talk to and she mentioned the "Crazy Sexy Cancer" documentary to me. I had seen that, but it had been a while. She said there was a really great website and blog. I ordered her book and DVD when I got home (through Amazon as it's much cheaper). If anyone's interested: Crazy Sexy Cancer Website, Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Blog and My Crazy Sexy Life holistic social networking site. Kris Carr's thing is doing the raw foods and juicing. Now, I don't have any intention of doing raw foods as a diet, but I was thinking yesterday about purchasing a juicer. If I have one glass of veggie juice a day, it would be all my vegetables for an entire day. So, I went ahead and bought a juicer tonight and a couple recipie books. I'm excited about this! It's been probably 15 years since I've juiced on a regular basis.

I told Cathy, the infusion nurse, that I hoped I got her every week. I don't know if it will happen since she usually leaves at 5:30 and after next week, all of my appointments will be at 5:00. But if I could see her every couple weeks, that would be great.

Speaking of next week, my sister started her maternity leave after work today, a week early, so starting next week it's the bus for me. I was planning on driving on Friday's, but I found out there is a bus to Tacoma about 4 blocks from SCCA, so I think I'll walk it next week and see how it goes.

So far, side effects have been fairly minor. My list is small:
-itchy/sensitive scalp (can't wait to shave my head.. really!)
-a toenail popped off last night when I was filing it (loosening of the finger and toenails is listed as risk that is "less likely")
-muscle/leg cramps (I got some tonic water with quinine, but the doctor doesn't want me to take it, so I'm trying muscle relaxers - on top of anti-nausea meds! I'm going to get seriously loopy. I'll see how it works this weekend, but I don't know if I can keep it up during the week.)
-fatigue (I'm increasing my walking time every day just a little to help combat it)
-sensitivity to the bactrim-the densensitization did not work (I've decided to stop taking it against my doctor's preference. the chances of my getting pneumonia is less than 2%)

Tonight as I sit here, I am noticing a little rumbling in my stomach. Nausea? I'm not sure yet, but I think I'll take a compazine to make myself feel better.

Chemo week 2

It's almost time for my next chemo infusion. In terms of nausea, I just haven't had any and I'm extremely grateful about that. My infusions are a little off right now though. My first infusion was on a Thursday, last week was on Friday and this week it's Thursday again, and next week will go back to Friday. So, it will be interesting to see what happens after 6 days instead of 8 days. 

Unfortunately, there was an "incident" on Friday when I went in for the second infusion. When I got into the room and into the chair, the nurse "reminded" me that I was to start on iron sucrose that day, and that the infusion time would take an extra hour. This was news to me! No one had called me about adding extra medication to my treatment. When I questioned her about it, she said I should have heard from the oncology pharmacist or the oncology nurse. She showed me the order, which was written the day before and no one had called me. The other issue was time. I'm in a carpool and had to leave by 4:30. Granted, it's just a carpool with my sister, but it would be very unfair for me to ask her to stay later at work, and adding that she's 8 1/2 months pregnant just made it worse. So, I told the nurse that I would not be getting the iron sucrose that day. I also told her that I wouldn't be starting anything new until someone called me about this medication. I also said that if I couldn't change my appointment times for the next 2 weeks, I wouldn't be starting this medication until July 18, after my sister goes on maternity leave and I start driving or taking the bus.

This kind of thing just really pisses me off! As if I have nothing better to do with my time but sit around at their convenience. I was talking to my friend about it and she had similar issues when she was undergoing radiation therapy in that every day when she got to the clinic they were running an hour behind. She was angry all the time about going in for treatment, and that's how I was feeling on Friday. I don't want to be angry when I'm getting my treatments! That isn't going to do me any good.

I think cancer patients are in a very vulnerable position and in large part have no choice but to cater to the "whim" of the treatment center. Whether they are running late or want to give a new medicine or whatever! I mean, what are we going to do, walk out? Not too likely to happen. 

Monday morning I made a call to the scheduler and was able to re-schedule my times for this week and next week. Also, the pharmacist called me, apologized, and explained why she wants me on the iron sucrose. I don't have any problem with them making changes to my medications, adding or subtracting, or whatever they need to do. All I ask is that they give me the courtesy of a phone call! I will be seeing my oncologist on Thursday and will bring this issue up with her.

Yesterday I noticed a bit of a metallic taste in my mouth and when I was drinking a frappucchino there was a definite bitter aftertaste. This morning I had a cup of coffee and I noticed the same thing. So, I guess for now I will stick to tea and smoothies. I'm not going to be able to get rid of the metallic tasting saliva for the next 6 months, but I don't want to ruin my love of coffee either. 

Today I went to the UWMC cancer center and met with their "beauty and cancer program" coordinator and did find a wig I liked. It's dark red with highlights and reminds me of the years when I used to dye my hair dark red. I need to get it trimmed and styled a bit though. The cool thing is that it's brand new and was free. I also got a scarf and 2 sleeping caps. I ordered several caps from Etsy that are all hand-made. I think they were originally designed for the operating room, but will do very well for me. And, they are really pretty. Here's a picture of one that I ordered:



I still may use my insurance to get another wig. I haven't decided yet. I've got the coverage and the prescription, so I should just do it. Between all of that and the things that MJ over on LJ is sending me, I should be in pretty good shape.

Yesterday I had a massage with a new therapist who is actually on my insurance. She is very wonderful and I'm going to really like her a lot. I learned some interesting things as to why my feet are hurting so bad. I've always been a believer and had an interest in foot reflexology, but I haven't looked at a chart in a very long time. Well the two places on my feet, one spot on the left and one on the right that hurt the most, correlate directly with breast cancer. The spot on my left foot corresponds to the right breast and the spot on my right food corresponds to the lymphatic system. I set up weekly appointments and will be spending a lot of time having my feet worked on! I also realized just how "nice" my body is being to me right now. There are some definite tight areas that I discovered yesterday, especially in my upper back, but I haven't had any pain. It will be good to get these worked out over the next few weeks and get back on a regular massage schedule.

I want to hire a personal trainer to work with me while I'm doing the chemo and after. I will talk to my oncologist about that, but I think it's a good idea. I want to find someone who has experience working with cancer patients and who (hopefully) isn't associated with a big gym. I need to call the breast cancer resource center in Tacoma and see if they know anyone.

I was thumbing through the Puget Sound Wellness Guide yesterday and ran across the BRCA story of someone I used to work with when I was at Madigan. I have never met her, but we used to collaborate on some projects together via phone and email. She works for the UW, so I sent her an email yesterday.

This weekend I'm kind of thinking of going to check out the Tall Ships, but I'm not sure I want to deal with the crowd. I don't really have any plans for the weekend except a BBQ on Friday with my sister and brother-in-law; and a party at my friend's house on Saturday. I think it will be a nice quiet weekend and hopefully not too hot!