Radiation totally sucks so far

I had extra films done last week so I wouldn't have to have them done yesterday. Except, I had to have more films done yesterday. My case is "complicated." Between the deepness of the tumor cavity and the fact that they are also radiating above my collar bone is making for difficulty with the angles.

I finally got done at 5:00, got dressed and was trying to leave when one of the techs introduced me to one of the nurses. I told her it was nice to meet her but I had already met with another nurse last week and didn't think I needed to see her as well. She said that the doctor covering for my doctor (who is out this week) needed to see me after the films. I told her I didn't have time and had to leave, as my carpool is at 4:00. Luckily, I have an understanding sister. She glowered at me and tried to get me to stay, but I told her the doctor could see me another day and left.

I called this morning and left a message, apologizing for leaving and stating that I would be happy to see the doctor before my radiation appointment anytime the rest of this week. I didn't receive a call back by lunch-time, so I left another message reiterating the fact that I wasn't going to stay after my scheduled appointment, but if she wanted to see me today, I needed to know because I'm at work. Still no call back, so I guess they don't want me to see her today. whatever!

The only good thing that came out of it was that my appointment times got switched from 3:45 to 3:15. This means I won't have to come in early to try to get in before my appointment so I can pick up my sister at a reasonable time.

Today should be a better (and quicker) experience.

Progress

I was taking a close-up look at my left eye in the mirror this morning when I saw them... two rows of tiny eyelashes springing up from the depths. I looked at my right eye. Yep.. eyelashes there too! I'm officially in a good mood today!

It's funny how perspective on life changes when one loses things like eyelashes.

My hair is also starting to spring back. It's currently in two stages, and I'm highly anticipating a third stage. First, there's the "chemo hair." That's the hair that continued to grow during chemotherapy. It's about an inch long, very thin and growing rather randomly on my head. Then there's the hair that has started to grow back since the end of chemo. It's buzz cut length, but also pretty thin. I'm waiting for all of my hair to start growing. I'm giving it until the two-month anniversary of the end of chemo and then I'll start freaking out if I don't see anything starting to grow.

Speaking of treatments, my third and hopefully final treatment starts on Tuesday. That's the radiation. I did the simulation on the CAT scan last week, where I was positioned, tattooed and had a "form" made for my head and upper arm. I go in today for another set of films and to talk to my radiation oncologist before starting actual radiation next week.

better

I recently received an email from my cousin who was responding to a message I sent out to friends and family providing a treatment update.

She very simply said, “I hope you are better now.” I have been thinking about this since I received the e-mail, and I’m not sure I can even respond in a way that makes any sense.

I can no longer say, “oh yes, I am better.” Or, “no, I’m not better.” Or even, “I wish I was better.” It’s much more complicated than that. Being “better” depends on where I look back at various times over the past year. “Better” also has different components to it, the 3 main ones being, “better physically,” “better mentally,” and “better emotionally.” If I am “better” or “not better,” what part of “better” am I talking about? I will say that I am “better” in all 3 components than I was on November 28, my last day of chemo. But, am I “better” than I was in June before chemo started? Am I “better” than I was in May when I had surgery? Am I “better” than I was in March when I was diagnosed? It’s hard to say. Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing event for sure, and some of those changes include an intense period of growth that is still in process. All areas of my life are affected, from the emotional to the mental to the physical to the spiritual and to other parts that I can’t even recognize yet. These are things that probably wouldn’t have happened had I not been diagnosed with cancer. So, am I “better” now? Perhaps I can only apply “better” to how I am today as compared to yesterday. If that’s the case, then all I can say is, “I’m about the same.”

Happy New Year!

Well, my break from SCCA is over, unfortunately. I had my port removed this past Friday, which is a huge relief!

I also started the radiation process today. I went in for the CT and simulation, where I was positioned and tattooed. I should be starting in about 2 weeks and will hopefully finish up the first week in March.

Happy New Year to everyone. My New Year's Eve was quiet.. I went to bed early and woke up in time to see the Space Needle light up. Happily the local fireworks did not upset my dog. She gave a little woof at the larger booms, an M80 I think. Otherwise, she and the kitties slept through it all.

Here are some pictures from the snow and from Christmas: