I did not need this today!

There was a Dept of Surgery staff meeting today, and the purpose was to show off the new surgical and OR simulation center. It all would have been really great if I wasn't actually scheduled for surgery in a few weeks. I really, really did not need to see a breathing tube insterted into a patient, his heart stop beating and then have to be shocked back to life. It's not like I was watching a video. I was in the OR room!! The patients are very lifelike.. they breathe, have heartbeats, talk and blink their eyes. By the time we got back to the lecture room, I was practically in tears. Then to top it off, during the lecture I was informed that there are 100,000 deaths per year attributed to miscommunication in the operating room.

When I got on the shuttle to go back to work, a bunch of people from Harborview were talking about all the things that can go wrong with the insertion of the breathing tube.. paralyzation of the vocal cords, etc. I put in my headphones and turned on my ipod. I feel better now, but I'm still really shaken by the whole thing.

Everybody keeps saying, "you'll be fine, you'll be fine" but I don't want to hear that right now. I think I need to talk to my doctor.. I don't know. I am not a happy camper right now.

Surgery

I spoke to Dr. Calhoun for about 30 minutes last night. In reviewing all of my films with the radiologist, they both think I can move forward to the surgery. The radiologist at SCCA does not see this mysterious "3rd area" in the same way as the radiologist in Olympia. In fact, he recommends no more diagnostic testing and doesn't believe this area is of any concern. As disconcerting as this sounds, I have to believe that the guy who looks at cancer in MRIs all day vs. the guy who looks at the kitchen sink in MRIs all day knows what he is talking about. That being said, I will be very closely monitored over the coming years that if this area does start to look suspicious, we will catch it very early. I talked with Dr. Calhoun at length about it and I have faith in her assessment.

My surgery will be on May 14. Two guidewires will be placed under mammogram before surgery, and if for some reason it doesn't look like the area of microcalcifications will be amenable to excision at the same time as the cancer, then a biopsy will be taken of it. However, my surgeon feels that both will line up as they do in the films and will be excised at the same time.

Since my surgery is on a Wednesday, I may be able to go back to work on the following Monday. I'm going to be prepared to do some work from home, just in case.

Although it seems like a long time out, May 14th works very well for me. I have some appointments the week before that I'd rather not reschedule. Also, waiting until May means I'll get at least 2 days paid time off (1 sick day and 1 vacation day) that I will have accrued in April, but can't use until May. Plus Dr. Calhoun will be gone all next week at a conference, so her surgery schedule is booked this week and the first full week of May. So, it all works out.

I am feeling very confident about things, but it is 2:15 in the morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I'm hoping that after a cup of lavender and chamomile tea, I will be able to squeeze in 3 hours of sleep. I may be back to the sleeping pills for a day or two until my mind stops with the constant thinking about things.

A new thought

People ask, "how do you live with breast cancer?" I haven't really had an answer... I mean, I am just living. But today I had this thought, it's not "how do I live with breast cancer?" it's "how does breast cancer live with me?" After all, breast cancer does not define my life, even though it will always be a part of my life. There will be times, like now, when cancer is a major part of my daily life and other times when cancer will be in the background.

There is this quote I like from a song that is posted on my info page,
"The storm is passing now
And when it does
I'll open my eyes
And I'll see it as a blessing"

Right now, I'm in the storm and under the clouds; but up ahead on the horizon is a clearing, and I'll get there eventually. There is a reason that the Universe has thrown this particular challenge my way. I'm not sure what that reason is yet, but I know that I will be a better person for it.

MRI issues / Cancer Documentary

I was scheduled for a second MRI on Tuesday at SCCA. I picked up the ativan at the SCCA pharmacy and took it before my appointment. Unfortunately, the bus was late and the techs couldn't wait very long because they had other appointments. I thought I would be able to deal with the fact that I was squished in the machine. The coil they use for the breat MRI is really high. The main problem was that I couldn't breathe by the time they got me in all the way. After a couple tries, they cancelled the exam.

The weird thing was that the radiologist came out and said, "Well maybe we can send you to Overlake or somplace that has an open MRI." Two things immediately popped into my head about that. First of all, I was told that an open MRI would not give enough detail. Secondly, the entire point of this MRI was because the radiologists at SCCA supposedly weren't going to read the films that I had done in Olympia.

I was feeling pretty miserable about not being able to do this, so I didn't ask any questions. I was really on the verge of breaking down a couple times. Luckily, the ativan started to kick in and by the time my sister came to pick me up, all I could do was sleep. I slept all the way home and then went straight to bed and woke up about 9 pm. Of course, I was up until 1 am and then had to get up again at 5! I have to say, I don't understand people who take valium or ativan as a recreational drug.. all it does is put me to sleep!

I talked to Dr. Calhoun's nurse today and apparently Dr. Calhoun is thinking about what she wants to do next. I did tell Laurie that it didn't make sense for me to go somewhere else for the MRI. If that's the case then they can use the one from Olympia! I asked her if she thought I might get an ultrasound-guided biopsy of this mysterious "3rd area" and she thinks that is one of the options. I won't know until Monday though because Dr. Calhoun went home sick today.

So the waiting continues...

Did anyone see that cancer documentary on PBS last night? I thought it was very good, but it did start making me feel nervous about my cancer. I'm starting to get more anxious about just getting the tumor out and finding out if the cancer has spread. I am very confident that mine has been caught early and hasn't spread, but I'll just feel better when I know for sure.

I did like the last 30 minutes with Linda Ellerbee and the panel of physicians who treat cancer patients and who are living with cancer themselves.

A treatment decision

After talking to surgeons in Olympia and Seattle at Swedish and SCCA, I've decided to go with SCCA for my care. I met with 3 doctors yesterday, the surgeon, radiation oncologist and medical oncologist. Although I didn't think it mattered, I like the fact that they are all women. My surgeon, Dr. Calhoun, is wonderful so far. She is very easy to talk to and has a great personality. I was also really glad to talk with the oncologists, since I haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. We are not sure yet that chemo is in my future.. a lot will depend on the sentinel node biopsy.

The next step is to get another MRI at SCCA next week. They want to evaluate the third area and determine if it really needs to be removed. Also, since my first MRI was such a mix-up, I actually feel better about getting a second one. This time though, I'm going for the Xanax!

It was a very long day. I checked in at 11:30 and we did not leave until 5:30. I've received a ton of literature over the past 2 days. Plus, my step-mom ordered a bunch of books for me that my regular doctor had recommended. I'm not sure when I'll have time to read it all, but it will give me something to do when I'm recovering from surgery.

Now that I've made this decision, I'm anxious to get the surgery over with. I feel like I've almost forgotten that I have cancer over the past few weeks while I've been busy moving and starting my new job. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it go away. I'm ready to move forward with my treatment and get into the process of healing.

Swedish visit

Yesterday I met with a surgeon at Swedish. Today I'm meeting with an entire team at SCCA. The appointment is from 12:00-5:00. My gut feeling is that I'm going to go with SCCA. I haven't even met this surgeon yet, but it makes sense to get treatment where I work, and it's the one that feels right. I guess I'll know after today. It will be interesting to see if this surgeon says the same thing as the one I saw yesterday. If so, I'll mostly likely be getting additional diagnostic testing done to determine if the other 2 suspicious areas are cancerous. I'm still hoping to get a lumpectomy as opposed to mastectomy and I want to exhaust all options to go that route. Even if it means another MRI. Actually, it would be a biopsy under MRI. I'm not even sure how that would work. If, in the end, mastectomy is the most reasonable choice, then so be it. I'll go for the bilateral mastectomy and then get new boobs! A little light in my storm and not a bad birthday present when I turn 41 :)

Decision time

I see two surgeons at the end of this week, Pat Dawson at Swedish and Kris Calhoun at SCCA. I've heard good things about both of them from various people. I'll make a decision on Friday as far as who I'm going to go with.

The appointment at SCCA will be very interesting.. it'll be almost a full day on Friday, and I'll be meeting with the surgical oncologist and radiation oncologist, as well as the surgeon.

Sometime on Friday I hope to have a surgery date set.

I'm still in pain from the biopsy

Not huge pain, but it's kind of throbbing. It's not infected that I can tell, plus the surgeon looked at it yesterday. It's as though the tumor is inflammed. Ha! Serves it right.

Plus, I have a tension headache again :(

A decision

I've decided to schedule the MRI