Radiation totally sucks so far

I had extra films done last week so I wouldn't have to have them done yesterday. Except, I had to have more films done yesterday. My case is "complicated." Between the deepness of the tumor cavity and the fact that they are also radiating above my collar bone is making for difficulty with the angles.

I finally got done at 5:00, got dressed and was trying to leave when one of the techs introduced me to one of the nurses. I told her it was nice to meet her but I had already met with another nurse last week and didn't think I needed to see her as well. She said that the doctor covering for my doctor (who is out this week) needed to see me after the films. I told her I didn't have time and had to leave, as my carpool is at 4:00. Luckily, I have an understanding sister. She glowered at me and tried to get me to stay, but I told her the doctor could see me another day and left.

I called this morning and left a message, apologizing for leaving and stating that I would be happy to see the doctor before my radiation appointment anytime the rest of this week. I didn't receive a call back by lunch-time, so I left another message reiterating the fact that I wasn't going to stay after my scheduled appointment, but if she wanted to see me today, I needed to know because I'm at work. Still no call back, so I guess they don't want me to see her today. whatever!

The only good thing that came out of it was that my appointment times got switched from 3:45 to 3:15. This means I won't have to come in early to try to get in before my appointment so I can pick up my sister at a reasonable time.

Today should be a better (and quicker) experience.

Progress

I was taking a close-up look at my left eye in the mirror this morning when I saw them... two rows of tiny eyelashes springing up from the depths. I looked at my right eye. Yep.. eyelashes there too! I'm officially in a good mood today!

It's funny how perspective on life changes when one loses things like eyelashes.

My hair is also starting to spring back. It's currently in two stages, and I'm highly anticipating a third stage. First, there's the "chemo hair." That's the hair that continued to grow during chemotherapy. It's about an inch long, very thin and growing rather randomly on my head. Then there's the hair that has started to grow back since the end of chemo. It's buzz cut length, but also pretty thin. I'm waiting for all of my hair to start growing. I'm giving it until the two-month anniversary of the end of chemo and then I'll start freaking out if I don't see anything starting to grow.

Speaking of treatments, my third and hopefully final treatment starts on Tuesday. That's the radiation. I did the simulation on the CAT scan last week, where I was positioned, tattooed and had a "form" made for my head and upper arm. I go in today for another set of films and to talk to my radiation oncologist before starting actual radiation next week.

better

I recently received an email from my cousin who was responding to a message I sent out to friends and family providing a treatment update.

She very simply said, “I hope you are better now.” I have been thinking about this since I received the e-mail, and I’m not sure I can even respond in a way that makes any sense.

I can no longer say, “oh yes, I am better.” Or, “no, I’m not better.” Or even, “I wish I was better.” It’s much more complicated than that. Being “better” depends on where I look back at various times over the past year. “Better” also has different components to it, the 3 main ones being, “better physically,” “better mentally,” and “better emotionally.” If I am “better” or “not better,” what part of “better” am I talking about? I will say that I am “better” in all 3 components than I was on November 28, my last day of chemo. But, am I “better” than I was in June before chemo started? Am I “better” than I was in May when I had surgery? Am I “better” than I was in March when I was diagnosed? It’s hard to say. Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing event for sure, and some of those changes include an intense period of growth that is still in process. All areas of my life are affected, from the emotional to the mental to the physical to the spiritual and to other parts that I can’t even recognize yet. These are things that probably wouldn’t have happened had I not been diagnosed with cancer. So, am I “better” now? Perhaps I can only apply “better” to how I am today as compared to yesterday. If that’s the case, then all I can say is, “I’m about the same.”

Happy New Year!

Well, my break from SCCA is over, unfortunately. I had my port removed this past Friday, which is a huge relief!

I also started the radiation process today. I went in for the CT and simulation, where I was positioned and tattooed. I should be starting in about 2 weeks and will hopefully finish up the first week in March.

Happy New Year to everyone. My New Year's Eve was quiet.. I went to bed early and woke up in time to see the Space Needle light up. Happily the local fireworks did not upset my dog. She gave a little woof at the larger booms, an M80 I think. Otherwise, she and the kitties slept through it all.

Here are some pictures from the snow and from Christmas:

Cancer, Christmas and my Mental Health

One thing I've discovered about being in active cancer treatment is that I am so involved in the treatment, and dealing with the side-effects that when other stressful situations occur, my frustration level almost immediately rises to red-hot. This happened over the summer when I had to deal with the plumbing issues and not being able to get a hold of the property manager. I also had a medical bill issue from February when I underwent the biopsy, and the billing department at the pathology lab were basically being idiots and I was biting my tongue trying not to tell them how I felt. Luckily I managed to survive both situations, but it was a lot of work and took up too much of my already low energy.

At present, I'm on a break from the SCCA and my biggest concern regarding my treatment is remembering to take my pills 3 times a day. No more skipping because I'm too tired at night, as there is medicine I'm taking that I can't just skip a day. So, when I was faced with a stressful and challenging situation, I handled it much better than I did the situations over the summer.

My very challenging and heart wrenching situation over the past several weeks has been the health of my 19-year-old cat, Kitten. It's a very difficult line between trying to keep her healthy and overdoing treatments that are going to impact her quality of life.

Over the past week or so, Kitten started getting weaker and weaker and was not very interested in eating or drinking. I think she was really having a hard time adjusting to losing 5 teeth, even though her mouth was completely healed. Finally, on Tuesday the 23rd. I called my vet at home. He is on vacation until January 6, but he gave me his home phone number in case I had concerns about Kitten. So, I called him and we met at his clinic. Kitten was dehydrated enough that she needed an IV. The vet also gave her several steriod shots to stimulate her appetite. I brought her home and gave her some food which she ate right away. I felt that she was going to be able to turn things around and would be stronger by the next day. However, as the day wore on, Kitten got weaker and weaker to the point that could no longer stand up. It's like her legs were boneless and she would just crumple when I tried to stand or sit her up. Since she was unable to use the litter box, I kept a puppy training pad under her. I was up all night making sure the pad was changed as needed and trying to feed her. I was still hopeful that the medicine would kick in and she would get better. But, at 4:00 am she had a seizure and afterwards I knew that she would not survive the day. I called the vet again and we said goodbye and now Miss Kitten is young and free and playing with Simon, who was always her best friend.

Out out damn port!

I'll be getting my port removed on January 2. Bye, bye giant purple people eater!

Leave it to me to get all of the "rare" side-effects

Ok.. tamoxifen. Can I just say muscle pain from head to toe? good times. Drugs are not really helping, although I'm not taking any narcotics. And, I don't want to. I can function, just really slowly and grimacing.

My doctor thinks the pain will diminish over time. We'll see. I hope so, because 5 years is a long time to live feeling like I've worked every muscle too hard in the gym.