Cancer, Christmas and my Mental Health

One thing I've discovered about being in active cancer treatment is that I am so involved in the treatment, and dealing with the side-effects that when other stressful situations occur, my frustration level almost immediately rises to red-hot. This happened over the summer when I had to deal with the plumbing issues and not being able to get a hold of the property manager. I also had a medical bill issue from February when I underwent the biopsy, and the billing department at the pathology lab were basically being idiots and I was biting my tongue trying not to tell them how I felt. Luckily I managed to survive both situations, but it was a lot of work and took up too much of my already low energy.

At present, I'm on a break from the SCCA and my biggest concern regarding my treatment is remembering to take my pills 3 times a day. No more skipping because I'm too tired at night, as there is medicine I'm taking that I can't just skip a day. So, when I was faced with a stressful and challenging situation, I handled it much better than I did the situations over the summer.

My very challenging and heart wrenching situation over the past several weeks has been the health of my 19-year-old cat, Kitten. It's a very difficult line between trying to keep her healthy and overdoing treatments that are going to impact her quality of life.

Over the past week or so, Kitten started getting weaker and weaker and was not very interested in eating or drinking. I think she was really having a hard time adjusting to losing 5 teeth, even though her mouth was completely healed. Finally, on Tuesday the 23rd. I called my vet at home. He is on vacation until January 6, but he gave me his home phone number in case I had concerns about Kitten. So, I called him and we met at his clinic. Kitten was dehydrated enough that she needed an IV. The vet also gave her several steriod shots to stimulate her appetite. I brought her home and gave her some food which she ate right away. I felt that she was going to be able to turn things around and would be stronger by the next day. However, as the day wore on, Kitten got weaker and weaker to the point that could no longer stand up. It's like her legs were boneless and she would just crumple when I tried to stand or sit her up. Since she was unable to use the litter box, I kept a puppy training pad under her. I was up all night making sure the pad was changed as needed and trying to feed her. I was still hopeful that the medicine would kick in and she would get better. But, at 4:00 am she had a seizure and afterwards I knew that she would not survive the day. I called the vet again and we said goodbye and now Miss Kitten is young and free and playing with Simon, who was always her best friend.

Some kind of normalcy

It was very strange to look at my calendar for this week and see no medical appointments. Not one. Not only am I done at SCCA until January, I've also scaled back on physical therapy to every two or three weeks. It's a weird feeling when life has become one appointment to the next to suddenly not having any. I almost feel as though I've lost some part of my identity...I've gotten used to the attention. I think it must be a difficult switch from active treatment to follow up care. I'll find out this spring.

Yesterday the oncology nurse called me to talk about removing my port. She was giving me instructions, but then asked me if I was sure I wanted it removed. Uh, yeah. Why is this hard to understand? My oncologist told me I could keep it in for another year if I wanted. Why would I want to do that? Are they anticipating cancer coming back so quickly? Is there more chemotherapy in my future that I'm not aware of? Or, are they so used to little old ladies with horrible veins that they feel the need to try and talk all of their patients into keeping the port? Well, I'm having none of that. I want the thing out of my chest, for many reasons, including the fact that it represents 24 weeks of not-so-fun times that I just went through. So what if I might have to get an infusion every three months? Give me a damn IV. My veins are just fine.

I have decided against participating in the research study that I looked at last week. I want to get the Zoladex shot and don't want to take the chance that I might be randomized into an arm that doesn't include it. However, at this point I have to wait and see if my ovarian function resumes before they will start giving me the shot. That means getting my estrogen levels checked every couple of months and/or getting a period. I haven't had one since May and I certainly haven't missed it! One of the things that has to be watched carefully with the Zoladex is the potential of bone loss. There is another study that looks at three bisophosphonates which are drugs that help prevent bone loss. One of the drugs is Boniva and another is Zometa. Zometa is given via IV every month for 2 years, but still not worth keeping the port!

A week out from the last chemo infusion and I'm still feeling like I'm getting treatment. Last weekend was hard from the standpoint of not having any energy and still feeling very weak. I'm hoping by the end of the week to have a noticeable difference in my energy level. I'm also still dealing with constant eye watering, blood clots in my nose, and my nails are not done wreaking havoc on themselves. Also, my legs and ankles are still swollen from "capillary leakage." Gotta love that. I'm wearing my Crocs today because my ankles and the tops of my feet are too swollen for regular shoes.

So I've been getting to know my vet very well lately. Not only was Mea's eye injured by her sister.. she is all better after a few days of eye ointment (fun!), but Kitten is going in tomorrow for surgery. She has a skin cancer on her neck and an abscessed tooth. Those will both be removed and she'll get a dental cleaning as well. Kitten is 19 this month, but she is healthy. Her heart and lungs are strong and she's not suffering from kidney disease like a lot of old kitties. I'm pretty pragmatic when it comes to what I'm willing to do to prolong the life of an older cat. I wouldn't do something major that would impact the quality of her life in order to eke out another year or two. But, if by doing this surgery her quality of life gets better and we don't have to do anything else, then I'm all for it. I am also taking Zusa in tomorrow when I drop Kitten off. Over the weekend she started limping when she got up from lying down. Her left shoulder seems very stiff and I think she needs some anti-inflammatories. I suppose I should mention that Kira is just fine and doesn't need to go to the vet at all :)



I have completed 99% of my Christmas shopping. I haven't got anything for my Dad yet. I did all of my shopping online this year which made it easy. Over the weekend I also got everything wrapped. I guess I got tired of the boxes all piled up in the living room. Of course, now there are gift bags, but at least it's done.

I have also done a lot of shopping for me recently. All of this weight loss has been great, but I have no clothes that fit. I've been pretty successful shopping online for clothes. Only one or two things haven't worked out.

I have to say though that the amount on my credit card is quite scary. I have been putting off looking at it, but I finally did yesterday. The nice thing is that I have a sweet check coming from Aflac this week and I will be able to pay it all off.

Back to work and a night in hell

So far I have completed one dose of the Abraxane. I was doing very well until last night when I started getting severe muscle pains in my feet and legs. Add that to the 3-hour hot flash I went through and kitty antics that involved puking 3 times and knocking over a vase, well I just didn't get much sleep last night. Oh, and today is my first day back at work!

Yeah. It's going great.

Since I wasn't sure about the pain, I ended up taking a pain pill, a muscle relaxer and some Aleve, just to cover all of my bases. I had an email conversation with my oncology nurse this morning who explained that muscle and joint pain is a side-effect of Abraxane and to take 2 Aleve twice a day. She also said that the pain should diminish over time as I get more of the Abraxane. That doesn't quite make sense to me, but I sure hope she's right! This weird stabbing pain in various places of my body all day long is driving me a little bit crazy. The Aleve isn't taking the pain away completely, but it is damping it down a bit.

Other than that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm so glad to be done with the Adriamycin! Now that I've gone more than a week without it, I have noticed some of the side-effects are fading away. My biggest issue today is trying to stay awake after my crazy night.

well, crap

I definitely have an infection going on. There is a spot in my incision (the axillary dissection site) that is red and infected and my entire breast is warm and pink and swollen. I have a call into Dr. Calhoun's nurse and I'm just waiting to hear back from her.

So this has been my morning so far:

-I got up at 5:00 and decided there is definitely something going on with my breast
-I took a shower
-I called the paging operator at 5:45. Now, both Dr. Calhoun and her nurse have informed me that Dr. Calhoun takes her own calls. I was instructed to call the paging operator and ask for her and she would be paged. However, when I called the paging operator this morning, I was told that she is not on call for herself and that Dr. Someone else is on call for her and he would be calling me back. Some resident, I assume. I explained that Dr. Calhoun told me that she takes her own calls, but the operator said no. Now, I wasn't going to have an argument with the paging operator. What pisses me off is the fact that it's 8:45 now and no one has called me back. I will be having a pointed discussion with Dr. Calhoun today when I see her, that's for sure.
-I cleaned the cat box and in the process, stepped in some cat puke and tracked it all around the kitchen before I realized what was going on. Luckily I wear Crocs slippers, so cleaning them was easy, but I was highly annoyed at the cats, not only for the puke, but they keep peeing outside the cat box and I'm changing the pad twice a day (I use puppy training pads all around the cat box).
-I got to work at 7:15 and my co-worker and friend who is also an RN took a look at my breast and agreed that I definitely have something going on
-I headed downstairs one floor for my first PT appointment at 7:30. My physical therapist is really wonderful and I'm very happy with her. She exclusively works with breast and gynecological cancer patients. We talked about my history and what the future plan is, but we did not do any therapy today. She also examined my breast and placed her own call to Dr. Calhoun's nurse.

Now, I am just waiting for the return phone call to find out what time they want me over there. Oddly enough, I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I did check my temperature last night and it was up a little bit at 98.9. I normall run low, about 97.7 or 97.8, so it's a little high for me. I don't feel that warm today though. I am starting to have some sharp pains in the axilla area, so I think this infection is starting to spread a bit.

That's it for now. More updates later.