The end of treatment and other happenings

I've been putting off writing this entry. First, radiation was a grind and I just wasn't up to it. But also, I am finally done with treatment and I don't know if I will be blogging here anymore. Much has happened in the month of March. Radiation ended on March 6. The last two weeks were pretty hard... lots of fatigue in the afternoons. I started getting some skin breakdown the last week and the week after I finished. That took another week to clear up. Other than being a little swollend and darker in tone, my skin is now doing great.

I was thinking that after radiation ended and my skin cleared up, I would start coming down sick. I didn't though, and soon enough found out why my body wasn't ready to get out of fighting mode. I had three deaths in my family in March. My grandma died the last week of radiation. My step-dad died just over two weeks ago and one of my uncles died last week.

My grandma was diagnosed with endometrial cancer not too long ago. It was too advanced for surgery and she opted not to receive any treatment. She was a great lady, who taught me how to crochet just last summer. I will always treasure the afghan she made for me a few years ago. I didn't know my uncle, but I feel very bad for my cousins and my aunt, because I know what it feels like to lose a father unexpectedly. It was an extra blow to an already stressful month.

My step-dad died in his sleep on March 18. He was ill, having been home from the hosptial for about a month, but we weren't expecting his death. I was at work when my mom called me and immediately left to go to her. His family came up from California and were really great. Did all the cooking and food preparations for when everyone came over after the memorial. It was a hard week, and coming back to work the day after the memorial wasn't easy either. Wayne taught me a lot... about having a good sense of humor and being nice to people. It was a joy to be around him because he was always laughing and in good spirits, even when he wasn't feeling well.

My brother wrote a really beautiful poem to his dad that we used in the program:

A father, brother, husband, and son

A coach, teammate, and soldier

You were generous and humble

larger than life and grounded in reality

you were strong, and you were brave

and when your strength was challenged

when life dealt you a few weak cards

you wore a smile, you persevered

and now, you can rest..

We miss your laughter

your stories, your companionship

you've touched so many lives

and we take with us your life lessons learned

and hold them dear with your memory

we miss you, and thank you

and we all love you

as much as you loved us







As much as that time was so difficult, I actually had something to look forward to. I was signed up for a 3-day cancer retreat at Harmony Hill the last weekend in March. I deliberated whether or not to go... I wasn't sure I would be able to concentrate on the task at hand. But, I did go and it was an amazing experience. Not only was I able to talk about cancer and the challenges of the past year and of those ahead, but I was also able to express my grief and lean on my new friends' shoulders. It was a wonderful three days of good, wholesome, organic, vegetarian food and not having to worry about or do anything. We did yoga and meditation and breath work and walked the labrynth, and I met some people who are truly amazing. I feel so blessed that I was able to experience the weekend and learn and grow from it.

Now that treatment is complete, I'm determined to do some reconditioning. I am starting a yoga class next week (with the instructor from the retreat) and I will be utilizing the personal training service at my physical therapy office for "athletic engineering." It's basically a physical-training program that will be geared for post-rehab patients. After that, I'm not sure, but I am determined to be in a better place by the end of the year as far as my physical, mental and emotional health goes.

I plan to pick up my "before cancer" blog, and if anyone wants to follow me there, you can do so at http://lunajewels.livejournal.com/ It's a "friends only" journal, so you would have to become a member of livejournal to read it.

Stress

I am in my 3rd week of radiation. It's going well so far (after the horrible first day). My skin is rather pink and it's warm all the time. I am hoping it doesn't burn too bad.

Lots going on though that is stressing me out. Besides the radiation (obviously, being a daily event), my step-dad has been in the hospital for a couple weeks and just had surgery, my grandma just found out she has cancer, and my supervisor (the person who hired me and gave me all of the support I needed to switch jobs while undergoing treatment) just got laid off.

I've had an upset stomach off and on for a couple weeks and headaches with neck tension. Haven't had a headache in a really long time.

I'm hoping everything will be ok. I'm sending good vibes to my family and former boss. And, I'm back on the anti-nausea/anxiety pills to hopefully calm down my stomach.

Radiation totally sucks so far

I had extra films done last week so I wouldn't have to have them done yesterday. Except, I had to have more films done yesterday. My case is "complicated." Between the deepness of the tumor cavity and the fact that they are also radiating above my collar bone is making for difficulty with the angles.

I finally got done at 5:00, got dressed and was trying to leave when one of the techs introduced me to one of the nurses. I told her it was nice to meet her but I had already met with another nurse last week and didn't think I needed to see her as well. She said that the doctor covering for my doctor (who is out this week) needed to see me after the films. I told her I didn't have time and had to leave, as my carpool is at 4:00. Luckily, I have an understanding sister. She glowered at me and tried to get me to stay, but I told her the doctor could see me another day and left.

I called this morning and left a message, apologizing for leaving and stating that I would be happy to see the doctor before my radiation appointment anytime the rest of this week. I didn't receive a call back by lunch-time, so I left another message reiterating the fact that I wasn't going to stay after my scheduled appointment, but if she wanted to see me today, I needed to know because I'm at work. Still no call back, so I guess they don't want me to see her today. whatever!

The only good thing that came out of it was that my appointment times got switched from 3:45 to 3:15. This means I won't have to come in early to try to get in before my appointment so I can pick up my sister at a reasonable time.

Today should be a better (and quicker) experience.

Progress

I was taking a close-up look at my left eye in the mirror this morning when I saw them... two rows of tiny eyelashes springing up from the depths. I looked at my right eye. Yep.. eyelashes there too! I'm officially in a good mood today!

It's funny how perspective on life changes when one loses things like eyelashes.

My hair is also starting to spring back. It's currently in two stages, and I'm highly anticipating a third stage. First, there's the "chemo hair." That's the hair that continued to grow during chemotherapy. It's about an inch long, very thin and growing rather randomly on my head. Then there's the hair that has started to grow back since the end of chemo. It's buzz cut length, but also pretty thin. I'm waiting for all of my hair to start growing. I'm giving it until the two-month anniversary of the end of chemo and then I'll start freaking out if I don't see anything starting to grow.

Speaking of treatments, my third and hopefully final treatment starts on Tuesday. That's the radiation. I did the simulation on the CAT scan last week, where I was positioned, tattooed and had a "form" made for my head and upper arm. I go in today for another set of films and to talk to my radiation oncologist before starting actual radiation next week.

Happy New Year!

Well, my break from SCCA is over, unfortunately. I had my port removed this past Friday, which is a huge relief!

I also started the radiation process today. I went in for the CT and simulation, where I was positioned and tattooed. I should be starting in about 2 weeks and will hopefully finish up the first week in March.

Happy New Year to everyone. My New Year's Eve was quiet.. I went to bed early and woke up in time to see the Space Needle light up. Happily the local fireworks did not upset my dog. She gave a little woof at the larger booms, an M80 I think. Otherwise, she and the kitties slept through it all.

Here are some pictures from the snow and from Christmas:

Weeks 23 and 24

Well, I can't believe it.. I'm done with chemo! I'm very happy about that. Things were getting to the point where I was getting so burned out on going to SCCA every week that I was ready to snap someone's head off.

During the second to last week, I was having a lot of frustration and anger towards my oncologist and case manager. Instead of letting the anger go so I could approach my issues more rationally, I was feeling very emotional about them. Because of this, I met with the chaplain and told her what my issues were and that I just needed to let them go and get back to Center. She was really wonderful in helping me do just that. Now I feel like I can approach my oncologist about my biggest concern (not diagnosing a potentially serious side-effect at my follow-up visit and that the case manager is not tracking these trends) calmly and without being accusatory. I realize they are short-staffed in this area, but that is not an excuse for letting patient safety issues slide.

All of this is part of the reason why I refuse to go back to SCCA for the rest of the month after tomorrow's follow-up appointment.

On my last day, which was last Friday, I was fasting before my labs were drawn and I had forgotton that I wasn't coming in at 7:00, but at 11:30!! I got in early and then had a nice lunch at the little cafe. I have to say, they make a super yummy mushroom/cheese/potato soup. In celebration, I wore my "Hey Cancer!" t-shirt, which didn't make it easy for the lab tech, but I really didn't care!! At the end of my treatment, 5 or 6 of the nurses and tech staff came in and put on funny glasses and sang a funny song all while blowing bubbles. They took a picture of me and Jane, which is hilarious because the bubbles are going everywhere.



One of the questions that I need to bring up on Friday with my oncologist is when the port will be removed. I find it odd that no one has mentioned removing it (another little bit of frustration) and I have a feeling that if I don't mention it, she won't either. I might not say anything and just see what happens. I can always "suddenly remember" in an email to her later. One thing is for sure.. I'm not doing anything about it until January!

I met with the radiation oncologist Monday to start that process. They wanted me to come in tomorrow to do a simulation under CT, but I've put that off until January as well. That's mostly for insurance reasons.. I want to be sure I use up all of my out-of-pocket co-insurance for next year. A two-week delay in treatment isn't going to matter in the grand scheme of things. The daily grind of radiation is sort of looming over me like a black cloud.. that is going to be hard for me. But the radiation tunnel is much shorter than the chemo tunnel, even if there are more treatments.

On Thanksgiving my brother and I posed as twins for pictures. Ha!