Chemo #3

Well this was an interesting day. I got to SCCA at 12:10, about 30 minutes early for my lab appointment. I went to the finance office to get a detailed accounting of the SCCA charges because I've been getting some interesting statements and trying to figure out how they can charge $6000 for the day of my surgery. The only thing I had done there was the guidewires. Does that really cost $6000+? Apparently so. I then went to the lab and checked in, figuring I was in for along wait.

While in the waiting room, I pulled out my beat-up copy of Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth." I'm almost done with the book, after laying it down for a couple months. As I was sitting there, I kept thinking over and over, "I don't want to be mad today." After what happened last week, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope. As I started reading in the middle of the chapter, "Your Inner Purpose," I felt a shift in my consciousness. Tolle writes, "The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for. Everybody's life really consists of small things. Greatness is a mental abstraction and a favorite fantasy of the ego. The paradox is that the foundation for greatness is honoring the small things of the present moment instead of pursuing the idea of greatness. The present moment is always small in the sense that it is always simple, but concealed within it lies the greatest power. Like the atom, it is one of the smallest things yet contains enormous power. Only when you align yourself with the present moment do you have access to that power. Or it may be more true to say that it then has access to you and through you to this world...Anxiety, stress, and negativity cut you off from that power. The illusion that you are separate from the power that runs the universe return. You feel yourself to be alone again, struggling against something or trying to achieve this or that. But why did anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. You forgot your main purpose. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering."

"...your secondary or outer purpose lies within the dimension of time, while your main purpose in inseparable from the Now and therefore requires the negation of time. How are they reconciled? By realizing that your entire life journey ultimately consists of the step you are taking at this moment. There is always only this one step, and so you give it your fullest attention. This doesn't mean you don't know where you are going; it just means this step is primary, the destination is secondary. And what you encounter at your destination once you get there depends on the quality of this one step...What the future hold for you depends on your state of consciousness now."

Reading these passages, I realized that it is really up to me to determine how well or how bad today's visit was going to be. I understood that if I stayed completely within the present and didn't dwell on the past or thought about what might happen in the future, then I would be able to explain myself clearly and without malice towards all of the people I would be speaking to today. I say "without malice" because when I walked through the doors of SCCA today, I was still a little hot about last week's "iron sucrose incident." Now I know that I don't have to be, that I don't need to blame anyone today for what happened today. I can just be myself and let the people do their jobs and take care of me. As a result, I had a very nice chat with the LPN who took my blood and got my port ready for my infusion. I had a very interesting and informative discussion with the nutritionist and was able to talk about the things that were important to me and didn't feel as though she didn't care that I prefer to approach my treatment in a holistic way, bringing in a naturopath and a few other "alternative" practitioners to compliment the treatment I'm already getting.

Today for my oncology visit, I had the coordinator with me who is doing the study on how women with breast cancer organize their schedule, and really their life, in order to deal with all the appointments and information overload that comes in on a daily basis. She does one clinic visit as an observer and "fly on the wall." It was nice to have someone with me today to talk to, since I'm usually alone for these appointments. We got into the room and the MA took my vitals and I got changed and was sitting there with Andrea and realizing that my doctor was running late. I poked my head out and asked the girls what was going on and was informed that she was indeed behind. I mentioned that my chemo appointment was at 3:00, 15 minutes from now. The MA said she would call infusion to let them know I would be late, and I stepped in and told her that it would be a problem for me to be late because of my carpool situation. A few minutes later, Kay, my oncology nurse came in and suggested that Dr. Rodler could see me upstairs in the infusion room. I thought that was a great idea and I got dressed and headed upstairs. There was no pressure, no anger, no glares between sides, it just happened nicely. Now, I will say that I got a little annoyed when the MA wanted to take my blood pressure on my right arm. I don't understand why it's not noted very plainly in my chart or on the front of my chart that my right arm is off-limits. Andrea and I talked about it and I made a plan to discuss it with Dr. Rodler. I forgot, but I will write it down for my next appointment.

Dr. Rodler followed me upstairs and we talked about how things were going. I had a list of 10 or so things to talk to her about, including letting her know that what happened last week was unacceptable to me and that all I need is a phone call if new orders are going to be written so that I can stay in the loop. She understood and made a note and said she would be sure to let me know.

My infusion nurse this week was really great. She is a lot like me in that she is into holistic healing and alternative medicine and yoga and naturopaths. She was great to talk to and she mentioned the "Crazy Sexy Cancer" documentary to me. I had seen that, but it had been a while. She said there was a really great website and blog. I ordered her book and DVD when I got home (through Amazon as it's much cheaper). If anyone's interested: Crazy Sexy Cancer Website, Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Blog and My Crazy Sexy Life holistic social networking site. Kris Carr's thing is doing the raw foods and juicing. Now, I don't have any intention of doing raw foods as a diet, but I was thinking yesterday about purchasing a juicer. If I have one glass of veggie juice a day, it would be all my vegetables for an entire day. So, I went ahead and bought a juicer tonight and a couple recipie books. I'm excited about this! It's been probably 15 years since I've juiced on a regular basis.

I told Cathy, the infusion nurse, that I hoped I got her every week. I don't know if it will happen since she usually leaves at 5:30 and after next week, all of my appointments will be at 5:00. But if I could see her every couple weeks, that would be great.

Speaking of next week, my sister started her maternity leave after work today, a week early, so starting next week it's the bus for me. I was planning on driving on Friday's, but I found out there is a bus to Tacoma about 4 blocks from SCCA, so I think I'll walk it next week and see how it goes.

So far, side effects have been fairly minor. My list is small:
-itchy/sensitive scalp (can't wait to shave my head.. really!)
-a toenail popped off last night when I was filing it (loosening of the finger and toenails is listed as risk that is "less likely")
-muscle/leg cramps (I got some tonic water with quinine, but the doctor doesn't want me to take it, so I'm trying muscle relaxers - on top of anti-nausea meds! I'm going to get seriously loopy. I'll see how it works this weekend, but I don't know if I can keep it up during the week.)
-fatigue (I'm increasing my walking time every day just a little to help combat it)
-sensitivity to the bactrim-the densensitization did not work (I've decided to stop taking it against my doctor's preference. the chances of my getting pneumonia is less than 2%)

Tonight as I sit here, I am noticing a little rumbling in my stomach. Nausea? I'm not sure yet, but I think I'll take a compazine to make myself feel better.