Release

I posted this on my other blog a couple weeks ago, but I wanted to add it to the "cancer journey" blog as well. I've come to realize that forgiveness is a beautiful thing and once that weight is lifted, healing is so much easier.

Most of that weight was my ex-husband and the fact that I still had unresolved emotions surrounding that entire relationship. However, when I came home on Thursday after having the port placed and my first chemo infusion, I was thinking to myself that I should email him and tell him what has been going on with me. But, because I had been under conscious sedation earlier in the day, I decided I should wait until Friday to make sure that it was something that I really wanted to do and not just an impulsive thing.

I have reached the point where I have forgiven David, and all the people in my past, really. There is just no way to go through this process successfully if I am still hanging onto anger or resentment for the past. It's taken a long time to come to this realization, but there it is, and I am glad for it.

So, back to David. It was kind of funny because on Friday I had decided that I was going to email him at some point during the day when guess what happened? I got a message from him. He had seen my Myspace page where there is not a lot of information on it, but enough to know that I have cancer. Now that I've had a couple email conversations with him, I just feel really good. For the first time in months, or even a year, I want to do something that doesn't involve watching tv all day, or escaping from life in some other fashion. I want to work in my garden and do some cooking , or whatever.

I definitely feel like all of the things I've gone through in life have been preparing me for this next challenge. I mean, that's obvious, right? As humans, we go through some shit, we learn, we move on and hopefully we apply what we have learned to the next thing. But, the last few years for me have been very strange and difficult and I really didn't know why. I was hoping that it would lead to some magical release and my life would be smooth sailing from then on out. Wishful thinking, I know.

All along, the Universe has been putting me in situations where I could forgive, but I was never able to. Call it pride, or not learning lessons from a past life.. whatever it was, I wasn't going there. So, it's taken cancer to put me in a position to see all that was in my past and to realize that it just doesn't fucking matter. I've learned from those experiences and I'm moving forward. And, I'm taking all that I've learned and applying it to my current situation. If what I've gone through in the past is what I've needed to fight in the present, then how can I be resentful of any of it?