Life. Or something like it

During the 3-day cancer retreat I went to in March I met some really wonderful people, including Beth, who had a recurrence of brain cancer at the age of 37. I received an email from her husband yesterday that she had passed away yesterday morning.

It’s so sad, not only because she is so young, but she was one of those people who, when you meet her, instantly increases the quality of your life. She was so graceful and full of compassion, and such a beautiful spirit. I really learned a lot from her at the retreat. I’ve been thinking about the unfairness of life and trying to understand how someone who has done a lot of good in this world has to leave it so early.

Good news and some thoughts

Last week I had a mammogram done and met with my surgeon for the 1-year follow up. The good news is that there is no evidence of recurring or new cancer! I can breathe a sigh of relief for the next six months! Recently someone asked me for some tips on dealing with cancer... this is what I came up with:

The Top 10 Things I've Learned from Cancer

1. Keep a positive attitude about your diagnosis and treatment... you can curl up in a ball and cry for the next 12 months, or you can deal with it and move forward!

2. Find out if your friends and family know anyone who has the same kind of cancer and call them. Especially if you are still looking for a treatment center or a surgeon.

3. Forgiveness is the key to healing. If you are angry at someone, even in your distant past, it will impede healing. Forgive the people in your past and you will find peace.

4. Don't be afraid to call on friends and family when you need support. There are all kinds of things they can do for you when you can't do it yourself. From grocery shopping to laundry to scooping the dog poop!

5. Keep any negative people away from you while undergoing this process. You don't need that crap!

6. Support groups aren't my thing, so I blogged at places like "crazy sexy cancer" and "planet cancer." you meet a lot of people who understand what you are going through. There are also local cancer reatreats where you can go and relieve some stress, cry on people's shoulders and find strength. Harmony Hill on Hood Canal is awesome, and it's free!

7. Don't be afraid to laugh about cancer. Sometimes it's funny, like when you get a prescription for a "cranial prosthesis" (wig). I have a t-shirt that says, "hey cancer, you picked the wrong bitch!" It makes me feel good. (chucklenutshirts.com)

8. Ask your doctors lots of questions. Get their email. Research things online and then discuss it with your oncologist. If something doesn't sit right, don't let them bully you. Tell them you want to think about it, research it and find out what your options are. There is always an option to do something else.

9. There are some great books out there that are inspiring. My favorites were "kitchen table wisdom" and "crazy sexy cancer tips."

10. It's all about you right now, so take advantage of it. Play the "cancer card" when you need it and let people help you.

The end of treatment and other happenings

I've been putting off writing this entry. First, radiation was a grind and I just wasn't up to it. But also, I am finally done with treatment and I don't know if I will be blogging here anymore. Much has happened in the month of March. Radiation ended on March 6. The last two weeks were pretty hard... lots of fatigue in the afternoons. I started getting some skin breakdown the last week and the week after I finished. That took another week to clear up. Other than being a little swollend and darker in tone, my skin is now doing great.

I was thinking that after radiation ended and my skin cleared up, I would start coming down sick. I didn't though, and soon enough found out why my body wasn't ready to get out of fighting mode. I had three deaths in my family in March. My grandma died the last week of radiation. My step-dad died just over two weeks ago and one of my uncles died last week.

My grandma was diagnosed with endometrial cancer not too long ago. It was too advanced for surgery and she opted not to receive any treatment. She was a great lady, who taught me how to crochet just last summer. I will always treasure the afghan she made for me a few years ago. I didn't know my uncle, but I feel very bad for my cousins and my aunt, because I know what it feels like to lose a father unexpectedly. It was an extra blow to an already stressful month.

My step-dad died in his sleep on March 18. He was ill, having been home from the hosptial for about a month, but we weren't expecting his death. I was at work when my mom called me and immediately left to go to her. His family came up from California and were really great. Did all the cooking and food preparations for when everyone came over after the memorial. It was a hard week, and coming back to work the day after the memorial wasn't easy either. Wayne taught me a lot... about having a good sense of humor and being nice to people. It was a joy to be around him because he was always laughing and in good spirits, even when he wasn't feeling well.

My brother wrote a really beautiful poem to his dad that we used in the program:

A father, brother, husband, and son

A coach, teammate, and soldier

You were generous and humble

larger than life and grounded in reality

you were strong, and you were brave

and when your strength was challenged

when life dealt you a few weak cards

you wore a smile, you persevered

and now, you can rest..

We miss your laughter

your stories, your companionship

you've touched so many lives

and we take with us your life lessons learned

and hold them dear with your memory

we miss you, and thank you

and we all love you

as much as you loved us







As much as that time was so difficult, I actually had something to look forward to. I was signed up for a 3-day cancer retreat at Harmony Hill the last weekend in March. I deliberated whether or not to go... I wasn't sure I would be able to concentrate on the task at hand. But, I did go and it was an amazing experience. Not only was I able to talk about cancer and the challenges of the past year and of those ahead, but I was also able to express my grief and lean on my new friends' shoulders. It was a wonderful three days of good, wholesome, organic, vegetarian food and not having to worry about or do anything. We did yoga and meditation and breath work and walked the labrynth, and I met some people who are truly amazing. I feel so blessed that I was able to experience the weekend and learn and grow from it.

Now that treatment is complete, I'm determined to do some reconditioning. I am starting a yoga class next week (with the instructor from the retreat) and I will be utilizing the personal training service at my physical therapy office for "athletic engineering." It's basically a physical-training program that will be geared for post-rehab patients. After that, I'm not sure, but I am determined to be in a better place by the end of the year as far as my physical, mental and emotional health goes.

I plan to pick up my "before cancer" blog, and if anyone wants to follow me there, you can do so at http://lunajewels.livejournal.com/ It's a "friends only" journal, so you would have to become a member of livejournal to read it.

Stress

I am in my 3rd week of radiation. It's going well so far (after the horrible first day). My skin is rather pink and it's warm all the time. I am hoping it doesn't burn too bad.

Lots going on though that is stressing me out. Besides the radiation (obviously, being a daily event), my step-dad has been in the hospital for a couple weeks and just had surgery, my grandma just found out she has cancer, and my supervisor (the person who hired me and gave me all of the support I needed to switch jobs while undergoing treatment) just got laid off.

I've had an upset stomach off and on for a couple weeks and headaches with neck tension. Haven't had a headache in a really long time.

I'm hoping everything will be ok. I'm sending good vibes to my family and former boss. And, I'm back on the anti-nausea/anxiety pills to hopefully calm down my stomach.

Radiation totally sucks so far

I had extra films done last week so I wouldn't have to have them done yesterday. Except, I had to have more films done yesterday. My case is "complicated." Between the deepness of the tumor cavity and the fact that they are also radiating above my collar bone is making for difficulty with the angles.

I finally got done at 5:00, got dressed and was trying to leave when one of the techs introduced me to one of the nurses. I told her it was nice to meet her but I had already met with another nurse last week and didn't think I needed to see her as well. She said that the doctor covering for my doctor (who is out this week) needed to see me after the films. I told her I didn't have time and had to leave, as my carpool is at 4:00. Luckily, I have an understanding sister. She glowered at me and tried to get me to stay, but I told her the doctor could see me another day and left.

I called this morning and left a message, apologizing for leaving and stating that I would be happy to see the doctor before my radiation appointment anytime the rest of this week. I didn't receive a call back by lunch-time, so I left another message reiterating the fact that I wasn't going to stay after my scheduled appointment, but if she wanted to see me today, I needed to know because I'm at work. Still no call back, so I guess they don't want me to see her today. whatever!

The only good thing that came out of it was that my appointment times got switched from 3:45 to 3:15. This means I won't have to come in early to try to get in before my appointment so I can pick up my sister at a reasonable time.

Today should be a better (and quicker) experience.

Progress

I was taking a close-up look at my left eye in the mirror this morning when I saw them... two rows of tiny eyelashes springing up from the depths. I looked at my right eye. Yep.. eyelashes there too! I'm officially in a good mood today!

It's funny how perspective on life changes when one loses things like eyelashes.

My hair is also starting to spring back. It's currently in two stages, and I'm highly anticipating a third stage. First, there's the "chemo hair." That's the hair that continued to grow during chemotherapy. It's about an inch long, very thin and growing rather randomly on my head. Then there's the hair that has started to grow back since the end of chemo. It's buzz cut length, but also pretty thin. I'm waiting for all of my hair to start growing. I'm giving it until the two-month anniversary of the end of chemo and then I'll start freaking out if I don't see anything starting to grow.

Speaking of treatments, my third and hopefully final treatment starts on Tuesday. That's the radiation. I did the simulation on the CAT scan last week, where I was positioned, tattooed and had a "form" made for my head and upper arm. I go in today for another set of films and to talk to my radiation oncologist before starting actual radiation next week.

better

I recently received an email from my cousin who was responding to a message I sent out to friends and family providing a treatment update.

She very simply said, “I hope you are better now.” I have been thinking about this since I received the e-mail, and I’m not sure I can even respond in a way that makes any sense.

I can no longer say, “oh yes, I am better.” Or, “no, I’m not better.” Or even, “I wish I was better.” It’s much more complicated than that. Being “better” depends on where I look back at various times over the past year. “Better” also has different components to it, the 3 main ones being, “better physically,” “better mentally,” and “better emotionally.” If I am “better” or “not better,” what part of “better” am I talking about? I will say that I am “better” in all 3 components than I was on November 28, my last day of chemo. But, am I “better” than I was in June before chemo started? Am I “better” than I was in May when I had surgery? Am I “better” than I was in March when I was diagnosed? It’s hard to say. Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing event for sure, and some of those changes include an intense period of growth that is still in process. All areas of my life are affected, from the emotional to the mental to the physical to the spiritual and to other parts that I can’t even recognize yet. These are things that probably wouldn’t have happened had I not been diagnosed with cancer. So, am I “better” now? Perhaps I can only apply “better” to how I am today as compared to yesterday. If that’s the case, then all I can say is, “I’m about the same.”