Mini-melt down

Well this was a very hard day. I realize I'm entitled to a break-down every once in a while but that doesn't mean I like it.

My thoughts lately have been that I really don't want to do this. Not that I'm not going to do it, or that I don't understand why I have to do it, or that I don't see the validity in doing it. But, I really, really don't want to.

Today when I was getting the MUGA scan done I was hit with the realization that this is now the time that I am doing this. The march towards chemo and the next 6 months has started and there's not a lot I can do about it. I managed to hold things together until the study was done, but afterwards when I was meeting with Kay, my oncology nurse and she was explaining about all the side-effects and all the drugs and this and that, I just got completely overwhelmed and I couldn't help from crying. I made it through the session though but asked if I could just stay in the room for awhile. I somehow even managed to convince her that I can give myself a shot.

I realized that I really couldn't go to work this afternoon so I called my mom and asked her to come pick me up. I spent the afternoon at her house and had dinner and now I'm home still feeling a little fragile, but much better.

One of the prescriptions I was given today was Ativan and I've started taking it. Hopefully that will be enough to calm the anxiety and get through the next week.

Tomorrow I get the Bone Scan and CT Scan done.